I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
