i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
