If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize