everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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