I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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