How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
