Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
