Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
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right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
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Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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