I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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