Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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