smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
