I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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