I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
