nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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