i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
