this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my poor anus
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
