you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize