onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
