the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
