Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
