I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
