I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
