I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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