You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
