i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
