Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
