Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
