I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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