cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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