If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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