I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
