he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
