Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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