Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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