I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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