looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
