I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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