I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
