look no pants
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
