Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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