I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
