i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
