Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
