I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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