I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
