i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.