Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex