I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
