The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
