i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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