Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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