Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
