my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
are you so shy because you have an std?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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