At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
this boner is exhausting
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
