I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Watching her eat just hurts me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
