So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
